Just A Thought

I feel anything I say from now on is just going to be a repetition of what I have already mentioned with a few minor changes as there are only so many thoughts one can have when thinking about life in general. I’ll continue living a bit of a lie in order to keep some happiness and keep me from noticeable insanity, but I’ll always have the constant reminders of how this world screws me over and no matter how hard I try to blank it, I’ll always be looking over my back.

I’ve probably learnt more than I expected writing this for a while. It’s more just highlighted some things I already secretly knew though with feelings, emotions and thoughts that can never be explained through words refreshed in my memory. So, I might as well end it all with a good rant.

The secret of life is keeping it a secret. They say curiosity killed the cat, but I never really cared if I died. Besides, I’m more of a dog-type person anyway. They are more intelligent, and don’t argue with me or you shall burn in hell. I won’t mind hell, it’ll just be like switching prisons, so I can argue all I want. Thats what keeps the world turning.

Who is this God you speak of that does otherwise? Ah yes, Jesus of Nazareth, “King of the Jews”. Is it just me or don’t you too find it amusing that Christians believe in this guy? Some book says a dude went around creating miracles then died for us ages ago. Of course, that explains everything. Not. By the way, he was coloured, just for all of those stuck up white “superior” bastards in suits that think they are singing praises for him by sounding like a dying sheep for an hour on a Sunday.

This is where I respect the big fat american gospel singers that actually sound as if they are happy at being saved. We gave them years of slavery and shit and yet they still praise the lord and sound as if they mean it. I choose not to point out the errors of their ways as after all, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs. Haha, bollocks!

You get it fucking drilled into your head from an early age what is wrong and what is right. Did it ever occur to you that just maybe you teach best what you most need to learn and that you could be wrong? Of course not. In reality I have all the qualities of your ”God” and I too could get nailed to a cross and die on you. Tut, shame on you, Mr Randomthought, that’s blasphemy. Er, does it look like I give a shit? You wanna fucking save me? Take my life and send me to hell.

Don’t think I don’t understand religion though. I mean, I think it’s somewhat admirable to believe there is a point to this life and that someone actually cares. Of course, on the other hand it could just be fucking naive. I wish you would hit me for swearing now cos I’d fucking hit you twice as hard back, without any fear for my life.

You see, for the times I believed, I actually feared death. Really I just couldn’t see it was life that I feared and that death was inevitable. Apparently it’s your choice whether to die as a hero or just as another statistic, another meaningless number in the world. To be honest though, the respect of the world would mean fuck all to me. After all, I don’t care. Don’t I?

I haven’t cried properly since I broke my arm when I was three, but last night I cried for her. Proper tears. It felt like a weight lifted off my chest at 4am in the morning with my window open in a dark room, alone. Must’ve lasted about half an hour, maybe more. Thats when I’m really awake, at night/early morning. It’s always been that way.

I suppose the music I was listening too perhaps motivated the tears a bit. I mean, if I wasn’t listening attentively to the words of Papa Roach’s most cold truth songs then maybe it wouldn’t have hit me so hard, but by the time I was half way through “Broken Home” I felt my feelings were too hard to keep in and I broke down, with drops of hurting water kept in for more than a decade flooding my face.

Of course in the moring I was seemingly fine, after going to sleep with the sounds of “Requiem for a Dream” in my head. In fact today I kept a bit of my happiness as my mate came around and we chilled out, as if we weren’t imprisoned in a ticking, spinning green and blue time bomb. I don’t think I’ve learnt anything here, but more revised a few earlier thoughts.

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!

Ok, I’m in love with someone I’ve known for 2 days and last night she asked me out! I thought that was my job? She probably realised I was never going to, but at this rate we’ll be married by the end of the week. I’ve found my weakness, random insane girls telling me how much they love me. I would actually die for her right now but she tells me she wants me to live for her so I’m kewl with that for now.

Yes, now I’m probably around this stage of my weird love stages. The “Omg, I’m like a girl, this is sooo exciting” thingy. But just look what happened after that… A blog full of depressing shit. So, yea, I’m sensing a bit of deja vu. I’m thinking this could screw me up big time, but I’m also thinking about her in my arms and all the romantic crap I do think about when I’m in love. Laterz.

She thought like I did. She’s really intelligent, has the highest IQ outta anyone I’ve ever met and asked. Fucking insane. She’s just missunderstood. Anyway, after talking her out of suicide, I just fell for her completely. She liked me too. She said I was the only one that had made her smile since she was 6. You know, smile and mean it, a natural smile. She can look really pretty when she smiles.

I just love talking to her, I love the way she thinks. It could hardly be more perfect, the signs all point to yes. It’s meant to be, you know? We just click, but I have no idea what to do now. I hardly know anything about her but I wanna know so much. Plus I’m getting a sense of deja vu. I’ve been here before.

You see, I can trust myself with her now, but I can’t in the future. I don’t wanna be something she doesn’t need, but I don’t wanna be something she depends on 24/7 and fucks up her life cos of. She may argue her life can’t get worse but I just want her to be happy and that won’t make her happy eventually. I guess I just want her as a friend, but the feeling right now is deeper than that. Then again, I could make a pin prick feel deep.

I thought I was back, but I’ve taken another mood swing and now I think I’m alreet? I was thinking too much before, even had a spell of insomnia over the weekend, but now I’m just good in my head. Content about not being content, or something like that. Hopefully things shall sort themselves out for now in reality while I happily dream. Just don’t give me any decisions to make in the mean time!

I should probably be doing enough things to keep me busy this week. Anyway, I couldn’t be bothered typing anymore so byez…